Rather than being at a fork in the road I feel very much like I’m facing a T-intersection. If I keep going the way I am for much longer I’m going to run straight off the road. But the left and right are so different how am I supposed to choose?
The big question: To breed or not to breed.
Or more specifically, when to breed.
I want to do further study at some point. Do I study now and make some babies when I’m finished and go back to work when they’re 5 or 6. Or, do I make the babies now and go back to study when I’m in my 30’s? And then there’s my biggest fear, what if I can’t conceive? What if it takes years? I know people go through this, and I don’t know how I would handle it. Can my life feel complete without children? Probably not. I feel like I’m running out of time to have children, or to have as many children as I want, and no matter how often I tell myself I do have time, every pregnant woman or baby strapped to a chest I see gives me a little pang in my uterus.
The second big question: What to study, babies or environment?
How do I choose when two such diverse areas of study interest me? I’ve done 2/3 of a degree in sport science and a TAFE cert in conservation, I have to get it right this time, I can’t handle feeling like I’ve failed again, this time I have to finish.
I want to go back to uni, finish a degree in something environmental and work in that industry. I worked in conservation for a year or so and it’s something I want to get back into. I’m very passionate about all things environmental, particularly urban bushland conservation.
But I want to be a doula. I’m just as passionate about safer birthing practices and attachment parenting as I am about the environment, and it probably fits in better with my plans to have 17 babies. There’s no accreditation in Australia for doulas, there’s a few weekend courses around but it’s mostly self governed and so experience is the only way to get work.
I’m the only one who can make these decisions and it scares me. If I get it wrong, if I wait too long, will I come to another T-intersection?